The Price of Happiness

Replaced Surf with Nirma/Ujala, Nike/Reebok with DJC, Coke with Frooti, Snickers/Toblerone with Cadbury's, Pizzas with Parathas...God, I'm poor!

A Letter by Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln has been one of the three men I have idolised throughout my teens and 20s. His words, his deeds, and his entire life has been an inspiration. As a writer he didn't wax eloquent, but his words had a solid impact. It seemed as if he didn't need to decorate his beliefs. He seemed like a fellow who would write just the way he would speak. He is most famous for his presidential campaign speeches and the Gettysburg address (both of which you would find on the Gutenberg website), but it's only when one goes through his personal letters, does one realise what an extraordinary human being this man must have been.

Reproducing a letter he wrote to his son's headmaster. Vasant Bapat has translated this letter into Marathi which is to be found in every Marathi speaking household, courtesy Majestic Prakashan. Bapat's version is even better on some counts, as his translated piece is laced with similes and metaphors and a soothing flow of words that only a poet would know how to. If you've read that, the original may seem a tad too dry, but it scores on being original after all! One more aspect on which the original version scores higher is that you think this is what an average joe dad would want, and write - if he ever had the clarity. This is the most appealing part about Lincoln. He sounds authentic. He sounds one of us. He rose to heights despite that and that is extremely motivating.

Lincoln writes -

"He will have to learn. I know that all men are not just, all men are not true. But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero: that far every selfish politician, there is a dedicated leader…

Teach him that for every enemy there is a friend. It will take time, I know; but teach him, if you can, that a dollar earned is of far more value then five found. Teach him to learn to lose and also to enjoy winning. Steer him away from envy, if you can. Teach him the secret of quiet laughter. Let him learn early that bullies are the easiest to lick...Teach him, if you can, the wonder of books…but also give him quiet time to ponder over the eternal mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun, and flowers on a green hill-side.

In school teach him it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat…Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if everyone tells him they are wrong…Teach him to be gentle with gentle people and tough with the tough. Try to give my son the strength not to follow the crowd when every one is getting on the band wagon. Teach him to listen to all men but teach him also to filter all he hears on a screen of truth, and take only the good that comes through.

Teach him, if you can, how to laugh when he is sad...Teach him there is no shame in tears. Teach him to scoff at cynics and to be beware of too much sweetness...Teach them to sell his brawn and brain to the highest bidders; but never to put a price tag on his heart and soul.Teach him to close his ears to a howling mob...and to stand and fight if he thinks he's right.

Treat him gently; but do not cuddle him because only the test of fire makes the fine steel. Let him have the courage to be impatient...let him have the patience to be brave. Teach him always to have sublime faith in himself because then he will always have sublime faith in mankind.

This is a big order; but see what can you do… He is such a fine little fellow, my son."

Madgulkar's Jogiya

First Day On A Brand New Planet

When I am trailing along alone in the vast quietness of a forest, on a 5 minute break from the dust, dirt and disgruntled thorns, I realise apart from a few creases, life has dealt me a good hand. No doubt, money situation is getting exceedingly tight, but I tend to worry about it only when I'm back in the civilisation. I am not a recluse. I love people. Meeting people, talking to people is an exciting experience, but equally exciting is to stop by once in a while and see what those thousand different you's inside are trying to convey. And certain settees help, like an ocean-facing sand mound or a brooding dark green canopy above. Interestingly, the situations which would be dealth with very passionately and sometimes foolishly when surrounded by crowds, are analysed and dealt with in an admirably detached manner. The happiness, sadness, light, darkness, clarity, confusions of the usual life are the last thing on my mind, and I trail along wherever the path takes me.

When I am in there, cut off from the world, my senses are flooded with what nature has to offer. The seering sun has scorched every bit of exposed skin and turned it darker, but the heart is lighter. The thorny undergrowth has been puncturing my skin and feeding on blood from the moment I stepped in...and sometimes even the face carries the brutal crisscrosses, but you learn to look at it dispassionately. I swore so much the first few days, but then I remembered that these are not as painful as the wasp stings that I bore almost deliriously for last 5 years. You get used to it.

And for every such incident, there are outright rapturous moments. For example, the day i discovered a stream in the middle of a completely scorched, sunburnt landscape. I was lying down on the forest floor, exhausted after the day's work and as so happens every time you become quiet, the forest came alive. I could hear very faint tinkling in the distance...it turned out to be a steady water stream flowing almost noiselessly into the ravine besides the forest. The water cooled my feet till it was time to leave the forest.

Or the time when a whole flight of common crow butterflies decided to block the sun overhead. Every time I moved, they pranced around like little ballerinas covered in black. Finally getting tired of my continuous cues, the whole flight settled with careless abandon. Seeing life so manifold, up so close, with such abandon makes me treasure every living existence including my own.

Then the one night I decided to spend on the desolate beach along a private property. It was cold (!)...unimaginably so. I took refuge in a casuarina plantation nearby. It was no warmer inside the plantation, but man, have I been in a more musical blanket or what! The wind turned into a bow and struck the stings of the casuarina leaves, creating sounds similar to the melody emanating from the depths of a cello...the continuous hammering of the waves against the shore, acting as percussion...the moonlight streaming live through the casuarina top, creating light and shade effects witnessed till date only on screen in Ye Raat Ye Chaandni Phir Kahaan...

The song playing at the back of my mind is - First day on a brand new planet...

"Heaven" of Freedom

A quick thought on religion/god/spirituality/philosophy: I am not a believer. I was never a believer, and I am never gonna be, because I don't think god exists. I think the concept was invented to act as a torch of optimism when the going is not good. I am not one of those who are jubilant rationalists and sneer at anything that doesn't fit the definition of rationality. I used to think, those who don't believe, shouldn't believe; and should allow those who want to believe, and as long as this freedom exists across the fence, everyone could peacefully indulge in their own ideology.

However, my dominant thought these days is: believing in god or in anything else that's not yours but used by you as a guiding principle for your life is not as benign and harmless as it sounds. I think (very humbly and politely, though there's this danger that it may not sound so), influences coming from someone/somewhere outside us are nothing but impersonations of that someone's beliefs and definitely hamper our growth. Especially beliefs wrapped in sermons that are told by someone we love, we respect, we look upto. Someone telling you how to lead your life in terms of actions or thoughts or beliefs makes you less evolved, and also less aware about your capability to evolve. You may say, people who are aware of this problem will steer clear of it and not necessarily turn into blind followers. Well, blind or aware, it is in human nature, that answers provided by someone else will mask your own process of thinking, questioning and exploring. Like those readymade Navneet-Vikas guidebooks in school days where the answers were clear, precise, made-to-order, ready-to-fetch marks, but zero on allowing the individual to think about their own answers, or for that matter their own questions.

If we don't have anyone preaching us or telling us what to do, we might lead lives that are not as cleansed, ordered and convenient as today, we might become blinded by our own doubts, there might be anarchy and chaos, lot of depressed souls, and a lot of time will be spent in figuring out solutions for problems which have already been figured by someone else. That's the cost. But there's also this possibility of coming up with original and maybe, more powerful and effective solutions for the problems in our personal and social lives, then that chance is worth taking. And imagine original unadulterated thinking from 6 billion people. That's something to aspire for. If for nothing else, only to realise the full potential of each one of us as individuals, and a collective.

This may seem impossible. We can't escape some of the impressions and influences. Some of these happen pretty early, some of these happen subconsciously and many times unavoidable. What I am saying is that getting influenced is default anyway, so we need to rise above it if we wanna discover who we truly are. I don't know about you, but the biggest aspiration of my life is to realise my potential as a human being...my whole, complete potential. To discover who I am. What am I capable of? What are my limits? How can I push those limits? What happens to me when I undergo these transformations? That is what the word divine means to me. Anything that hinders this realisation, or even directs, redirects it in any way is a dangerous sect not worth practising.

Negativity Would Do You Good

I think science would progress by leaps the day scientists learn to celebrate finding negative results. We live in the age where results showing absence of something are quickly hidden under the carpet (unless that's what they were expecting). This means some of us have been already biased in finding what we want to find, and not what exists.

Add to that the woe of multitudes of statistical tests, each behaving slightly waywardly than the other, and each giving a slightly different significance value than the other. You don't understand the justification of using one test over the other, and many times people test their data until they come across a test that gives them a positive result! This is ridiculous and unethical (reminds you of Coase's saying when he said, "If you torture the data long enough, it will confess!"). So statistics instead of being a steadfast ally, becomes a befuddling fog making it totally impossible to penetrate the shroud of make-belief to reach the truth.

Keeping away from unnecessary shackles of expectation about the outcome of the experiments and work gives one immense freedom. Do it to experience it. To cut a long story short, I believe in the importance of negative results...do you?

Laut Ke Buddhu...

लहान असताना प्रत्येकालाच असं वाटतं की फक्त आम्हाला वाटायचं हे आता सांगता येणार नाही, पण एकूण लहानपणीचा आमचा आविर्भाव असा होता की आपल्याला काहीही करून जग बदलायचे आहे. त्यामागचा हेतू, प्रश्न, उत्तरं, अडचणी यांचे भान अजिबात नव्हते. सभोवतालच्या व्यक्ती, आणि त्यांचे विचार यातून तयार झालेला आदर्शवाद आणि स्वच्छंदतावाद, आणि त्या दोन्हींच्या मिश्रणातून तयार झालेले एक अजब रसायन मनात पूरेपूर भिनलेले होते. आमच्या सभोवती असणाऱ्या सगळ्यांना क्रांती हवी होती. तसले शब्द कळत नसतानाही जगात बरेच काही चुकीचे चालले आहे, आणि ते सगळे आपण बदलायला हवे, ही भावना मनात रुजलेली ती त्यामुळेच. थोडे मोठे झाल्यावर मग जीवशास्त्र आणि उत्क्रांतीवाद शिकायला सुरुवात केल्यावर असे जाणवायला लागले की माणसांच्या संदर्भात उत्क्रांती ही बाकी जीवांसारखी फक्त अणू-रेणू-गुणसूत्रांपुरती मर्यादित नसते. सामाजिक, राजनैतिक, सांस्कृतिक या आणि अशा अनेक मानवकेंद्रित पटलांवर, चूकीचे मिटवून नवे लेखांकृत करणे देखील आपली उत्क्रांतीच.

व्यावहारिकता आणि वास्तविकतेशी सुताचाही संबंध नसलेला हा आदर्शवाद घर सोडल्यानंतर बाहेरच्या जगाशी संपर्क येताच भंगला. काचेच्या पारदर्शक भिंतीतून दिसणाऱ्या जगाशी सरळ भिडण्याचा मौका मिळाल्यावर आदर्श विचारांना वास्तविकतेचा चिरा मिळाला. आरपार चिरा गेलेल्या काचेरी भिंतीचे तुकडे गोळा करताना किती त्रेधा उडाली! नाकी नऊ आणि चेहेऱ्यावर बारा. काही केल्या समजत नव्हते की आपण आजपर्यंत वस्तूस्थितीच्या इतक्या दूर कसे होतो?

मग हे लक्षात आले की वस्तुस्थिती कोणाची? प्रत्येक जण आपल्यासोबत आपली तत्त्वं आणि वास्तविकता घेऊन फिरत असतो. आपल्यासारखेच विचार करणारे कमी असू शकतील, पण त्यामुळे आपले विचार चूकीचे होत नाहीत. अल्पसंख्यकता हे चूक मोजण्याचे परिमाण होऊ शकत नाही हे जेव्हा कळले आणि पटले, त्यानंतर मग सगळी भीती गेली, सगळ्या शंका मिटल्या. आपल्या तत्त्वांवर पुन्हा एकदा विश्वास आला. आणि ती दुसऱ्यांना समजवण्याची क्षमता पण आपोआप आली.

The Brothers Bang

There have been moments when I've hated my bro, but for every such moment, there've been at least a dozen to be thankful for having him around.

Can't imagine being a single child. I think being in pairs is a leg up. You start out knowing that whatever happens out there, you have someone who has your back. It's also a catbird's seat in the sense that you learn to interact and deal with people your age which no adult can possibly provide however great they are with kids, and this kind of social intelligence acquired at home serves well in future which I think a lot of single kids have to learn the hard way.

There's a single moment in the 50,000 odd hours we spend as grad students when we start realizing what we want to do with our lives once the graduation is over. That's an important one as that's when you start to grapple with what you want to do, what you can do, and how good you are gonna be when you are on your own. In fact, that's one of the defining moments in our lives as our roads diverge at that point. Some people want hardcore research, some want to go into academics, some want to steer clear of either and go into something less demanding, and some just wanna earn money. Boundaries arising from that moment which go on to define us for a long time, probably for ever.

I love my profession. I am good at it. I've reached my own defining moment long back. I know what I want. Usually, that is and should be enough. And right now, it is not. I want someone else to share this belief. When you are embarking on your own, you want someone to put money on your horse to make it race.

Stringing Along Again...

I played violin after almost a year. It was screechy and underwhelming, but I went on (till even the melodious memories of the past shrivelled). And I am gonna continue doing so. I'll be damned if I let 3 years of violin classes go waste. I'm not giving up. Eventually, the creases will smoothen out and I'll manage something bearable.

PS. The only drawback is chicks dig guitar not violin...which I should have thought long back!

PPS. All you guitarists and your fans out there, violin is much tougher to master...Oh yeah, ain't I bitter:D

Ease in the Crease...

Easy was never the job description. I think they deliberately make it tough on us. So that only those who really want it, survive. Strive, reach out and grab it, or get filtered out. Dear god (Ricky Gervais, you rock!), let met bear and endure...

Conclusions? Research: cutthroat, brutal, but still sexy...

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley

Fireflies in the Garden

Here come real stars to fill the upper skies,
And here on earth come emulating flies,
That though they never equal stars in size,
(And they were never really stars at heart)
Achieve at times a very star-like start.
Only, of course, they can't sustain the part.

- Robert Frost

The Summer Showers

...सुनके मतवाले काले बादलों का शोर,
रूम झूम घूम घूम नाचे मन का मोर...

...रिमझिम के तराने लेके आई बरसात,
याद आये किसी से वो पहली मुलाक़ात...

--------------------------------------------

Feel at the top of the game again! Boss showed an unequivocal interest which was a much needed boost. Today was a day of ideas! Experimental designs, models, experiments done in the past, what can one learn from them, the ideas buzzing in the head for years that never materialized, can one do them now, so on and so forth.

It felt so awesome just to lay back and soak myself in this intense, almost passionate pool of thoughts and ideas. I started here 5 years back, absolutely dreading the Saturday lab meets. The challenge to think beyond one's capacities, to redefine the boundaries which are mostly set by our own selves was a difficult and daunting task. I used to feel worse than a toddler learning to take first steps. It soon changed to boredom and that phase where disinterest creeps in coz you are looking at things singly and not looking at the bigger picture. Over time, especially after I started my own work, changed into interest that came with knowledge. Why things are the way they are, the history behind things you are doing and the possible future course you are laying for your successors. Finally, today, Saturday lab meets are one of those few things I'm desperately waiting for throughout the week. It's an intellectual getaway. Throughout the banal existence of the week when I'm mostly doing things I’m supposed to do, on Saturdays I feel like a free bird, soaring in the sky, or diving toward the earth whichever the case maybe, but free. That itself feels like at the top of the world. This is why I do what I do...Research...It makes my heart race. If I come up with something good, it makes worth the whole week’s dawg work, I feel euphoric...Even if someone else comes up with something great, it feel great, coz there’s a feeling that it has come from the home ground, someone who belongs to the same place as you. To think is the mantra in any case. I love to think, and research gives me that opportunity. The best part is (which has come through training one’s mind very hard), one doesn’t even do it consciously. I’m so bloody happppy to be in the middle of all this. The effort to create some meaning out of unknowns, to give way to light and to banish the darkness, to see and think about patterns that never seemingly existed, and then prove that indeed they were there just shrouded by the veils of obscurity. It gives me a high.

What Goes Up...

The last few weeks, I've been on an utter high (as may have been evident from my blog posts in case you didn't see me hopping around with mad joy). It had to end sometime. Grandpa G passed away this morning. Some more time is all everyone asked. Hopefully he didn't suffer. Right now, I want to do anything but to go and be with the family. Reminds me too much of earlier deaths in the family. But it's time to grow up and keep oneself in the background. I just wish S, S, V, M everyone gets the strength to cope up with this and be able to remember the long, active, productive life he led till now.

I will miss you KG.

October is the new March...

How can I say it without sounding self-congratulatory? Anyway, one more first...Got my first paper accepted in an international journal...things have been really happening this October...Those of you who will be interested already know where to look for it...I guess it'll be out in few months...A nice way to start 2010!

For what it's worth, I was selected in the interview.

I am nowhere nearer to clinching this extension, yet it feels so amazing. Actually, I don’t even care whether I get selected. I feel so great right now. This comes out of doing something properly and your efforts being appreciated.

I was nervous, coz I hadn’t appeared for an interview in three years, and that can make you out of practice. The best strategy I thought was to be myself and not pretend to be someone else, coz that starts consuming so much of your brain. Warts and all, take it or leave it. Moreover, the bigger problem is the attitude which keeps yelling in the background, do better you asshole! End result is even when you have given your best, you never feel satisfied with anything that you do. Now, it might be a good strategy to go forward in life and be your biggest damned critic, but in stressful conditions, when you need to feel good about yourself, that attitude doesn’t really help. So be yourself and be more kind to yourself were the only two things I kept reminding myself.

It went well, but the great moment was when one of the interviewers said in the end that how amazed he was at how much I have done, what I have done and my presentation skills. Now, this fellow was the one who I was most stressed about coz he is an amazing scientist and always comes up with questions least expected. Plus, in my first year here, I had taken his course, and he was so so great…so I didn’t want to measure any less in front of him. Add to that, presence of my advisor in the same room, and the pressure to perform in front of him. With all this, when this guy said that about my presentation, I realized how important all this was for me. Their realizing that I have worked my ass off for 4 years, and this is just a small part of all that. And if they find this much a lot, then the thesis will more or less fare well when presented in its entirety.

The best part of the interview was when boss said that just give them an idea about the other projects you are simultaneously working on. I was not prepared about it and that made it kinda exciting. I had no supplementary thing to support my talk, so decided to use board and give them an idea about various projects I have been running simultaneously with the one that I presented and how they relate with each other in answering the bigger question on the table. Don’t really know what they thought, but the most important thing was I felt exhilarated. There was no preparation for this part of the talk and so everything was impromptu. And I think I did a good job coz they seemed really focussed on what I was saying and giving all the right reactions, nod when they need to nod, smile when need to smile. So everything was great.

After all this, it might not be such a boring idea to teach. I always felt teaching is a big bore, and that’s because I always thought it’s so predictable. Year after year you teach more or less the same things, your punchlines are the same, your jokes are the same, your conclusions are the same, where’s the bloody excitement? But maybe it’s up to me to make it interesting for myself…Let’s see.

This is a mistake...

The Nobel Peace goes to Obama!

According to Alfred Nobel's will, Peace Nobel should go to the person "who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between the nations and the abolition or reduction of standing armies and the formation and spreading of peace congresses.''

Nobel committee is ridiculing these words, right? Have they forgotten Obama's decision of sending 15,000+ American soldiers to Afghanistan "to stabilize the deteriorating conditions". A rhetoric if I knew any. Isn't this the lingo in which neo-rulers speak?

I am disappointed, disillusioned and my worst beliefs are turning into reality. Obama is turned into a demi-god by people who are confused and don't know where to go and whom to turn to. Obama is a saviour for them.

Ohhh, what a shame. I can't see his name (and deeds) in the same league as Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, Desmond Tutu, Aung San Suu Kyi, just to name a few luminaries who have been felicitated with this prize in the recent past.