But Some Doubts Can Take The Best From You

The epilogue to the last post:

Not all doubts need to be explored. Some truths are not yours to unearth. Not all journeys are worth embarking on. Some things pre-date you and maybe there's no way of knowing what happened. Sometimes, the truth can be like an onion. Utterly confusing, and the more it is peeled, the less whole it becomes. A hidden truth, especially if personal, has often made me feel like I have no bearing, no control over my surroundings. The feeling is that of an orphan searching for his predecessors in a pre-DNA fingerprinting world where you can never be sure of the origins of something. In such a case, I have learnt to leave things as they are, treating them as the great mysteries of existence. 

Maybe this is the answer. Maybe this is the journey such doubts deserve. That of ignorance.

My Best is Reserved for My Doubts

Sometimes when the effort to achieve a goal starts appearing bigger than the goal itself, I start questioning myself. Doesn’t happen often, but it is happening right now. We are currently in the process of saving 200 trees in my hometown, and the amount of collective time and energy we are giving for this goal seems…well…a lot, as compared to the benefit those 200 trees will bring.

This has nothing to do with my professional opinion. I am well aware of the factual side of the argument, so yeah factually speaking, they are worth all this effort. But, these are doubts nonetheless, so I have to entertain them. No discrediting them. I have to see to it that what is at the root of these thoughts. I have come to a few conclusions that have helped me fathom the problem, at least partly:

The process: is extremely, extremely valuable because it is an unchartered territory and highly educative for me. It is a pretty self-centred way of thinking to appropriate something in your own context, but still…let’s put it on the table. It is important that your work brings you new learning opportunities. So yeah, it is exciting, enjoyable and educative. So, the doubt on a personal/professional level what it is bringing to my life, is completely baseless. I could be a doing a lot of different things for sure that will push my career, but this is not about the career. This is what matters to me. And this brings me to the second conclusion.

The roots: I had to dig down and remember why I became an ecologist in the first place. Surely, it was something to do with nature and biology. But there was something even more primal than that. If you believe that each person is made up of some core traits and values, you may understand what I am going to say. For as long as I remember, such a trait in my psyche would be justice. I became ecologist primarily because I wanted to be a voice of the ignored. For me, there was a section of the society which was ignored even more than children, women, poor. It was nature. I thought there were enough people working on issues troubling human beings, but not enough when it concerned non-human components. Then I thought, what if these 200 trees were people? Would then that be a worthy enough goal for me? And the answer was a resounding yes. So, then somewhere I guess I thought just like the side I am fighting, I asked myself. That it is okay to let go of 200 trees because they are somehow inferior to people? It was good to ask these questions to remember where it all started and where I am now. In short, priorities may have changed only on surface, but no real deep-rooted doubts.

The ethics: This is the most troublesome part, and I am usually unable to sort it out effectively. I start with an ideal motive, guess we all do, but my actions soon bring my idealism to a practical space. For example, it is okay to travel by air to talk about climate change even though that very travel may contribute to climate change. How does one view that, does one view that at all with any real acumen? Or, is it okay to design strategies by which the gnawing, questioning side of me eventually agrees with the practical side? These things are not right and wrong, honest and dishonest, fair and unfair. But if I think about it, they are surely borderline problematic, and may appear wrong if I have to be strictly idealistic. Reminds me of the story of ‘Naro Va Kunjaro Va’ in Mahabharat. I wish I had the moral strength to oppose such positions in my life. Worse still, I wish I had the strength to say that I don’t believe in their efficacy. In those moments, when I want quick results, I do resort to certain ambiguous decisions, which I hate to do. It is not a reflection on the group, or the activity. But it is a reflection of me. If I have to choose between practical and ideal, I will go for the ideal 100 per cent of the times. That is who I am. But then why do I feel pressurised by myself to choose processes which give me quicker results? Especially processes that are questionable. When you make enough such calculated moves, the goal starts blurring.

You see, some questions don’t have answers. But I think it is still good to ask questions. One question leads to one good step. One good step may lead to a worthy journey.