The Clothes Parade...

At what age do they start making fun of you if you don't have the right clothes on? Anyway, I must be long past it.

Seriously we need to come out of this fucking biz town mentality and look hard in the mirror...dressed to thrill eh? Everyone seems to be so bothered about the way they dress...And mind you, not bothered doesn't mean good bye to cleanliness or smartly dressed...it just means little less time behaving like painted mannequins...

Trends and rules...in clothes? You must be kidding me...One has to be dressed in a certain way...the right way...why? Who decides? What right clothes? Let me not even ask Zen-ical questions like what's right...c'mon man, get a breather, get a life...there are more important things to think about...

Otherwise it becomes a mere dress parade of cheap attitudes accessorized by expensive brands...

The Memory Keeper's Post

We are talking, laughing, having great fun in general, and then you just decide to walk off...

You say you remembered something, some important thing to do but I doubt whether it’s really that or it’s you mutely asking me to ask you to stay. All my pleas of “just 5 minutes more” fall on deaf ears. Before leaving, you turn, give a quick smile and look at me once again. To see whether I’ve given up. If I have, there’s nothing to wait for anymore, but if I haven’t, then there is a chance that you will get to listen to some more persuasive pleading. And that, I think you just adore.

So sometimes, I don’t say anything, coz I know that the only way to make you stay is to play it cool. In expecting me to say something, you sometimes stay for even longer than intended, and that I adore.

Then again, sometimes, I beg you to stay just so that you’ll leave. I keep watching you until you disappear round the corner, and every step you take, every move you make, reminds me of things from the past. Your memories are sometimes fonder than your actual presence.

Do you feel that too? About me? Maybe I’ll ask this to you tomorrow. I’m not so sure how you will react. It’s just one of those hazy wayward thoughts occupying my mind. Today is the closest I came to asking you about it. But I ducked at the last moment coz this brain of mine went into a cerebral overdrive, I was a bit freaked out when I thought about the aftermaths.

Not today. Maybe tomorrow.

Will I hate it if you thought the same too? I don’t know. Maybe. If someone prefers my memories over me, I must be getting more and more uninteresting with every passing day.

I won't ask you that question after all.

It's a series of moments, this life. Of split seconds. And I have been spending them as if I have too many of them...I have been a spendthrift...I wanna live in this moment, without thinking about the moment I just left, and the moment that is to come. Too long has been spent in planning about what is to come. Too long has been spent in doing things to set things right for the mistakes committed in the past. Too long spent in being responsible. Too long has been spent in not living in the moment. I became a pawn in my own game. Just one life...I wanna live it the way I wanna live.

You know what I feel right now? I feel, I have to steal every possible moment of this life and savour it, feel it, live it. You know what I wanna do right now? I wanna do things that make me myself. That give me my identity. That make me a unique person. So what if everyone thinks that's stupidity? Why is everyone so afraid to be who they are? To do what they want? Coz it would mean, they wouldn't fit in? Who cares? My difference with the rest of the world is what makes me unique. And I am not gonna curb it and try to fit in. I will be labelled a rebel. Big deal...I am beyond labels. I am A...nothing else.

You know what I want to do right now? I want to feel alive by running in the rain, raindrops beating against my body. I want to jump from a clifftop into the raging sea and swim to the shore, to feel afraid, and to overcome the fear of feeling afraid. I want to sleep on the beach on a moonless night and wake up feeling deliriously happy. I wanna be loud and careless, singing at the top of the world with not a care. The wind in my ears and hair, a bike full of fuel and a mind full of attitude on a road trip...that's what I wanna do...And several such things...

I wanna do everything that my body desires and my mind minds just coz it would mean venturing into the unknown. At least once.

I am a free spirit and I want to remain that way.

As Tennyson says, That which we are, we are...

For everything, there's a trade-off.

It's raining...it's v.pleasant...

But it sucks coz my experiments are gonna be total wash-outs...the wasps detest this weather and turn highly asocial...almost as if they have wrapped themselves in blankets and enjoying a novel over a cuppa hot tea.

This really sucks...I just hope this doesn't push my experiments to the last day...

Women!

"You never try to get in touch with me by yourself. You talk to me only when I call..."

"You called, yes, but you sounded so dry..."

"Why are you being so artificial? You never showed so much interest before..."

"Is it so difficult for you to show some interest in my life? You are a self-absorbed narcissist..."

When I don't talk, you think I keep to myself. When I talk, you think I am dry. When I show interest in your life, you think I am trying extra hard. When I talk about my life, you think I am a narcissist. Well, perhaps, rightly so.

Ah yes, you have a problem with that too.

You can't have it all ways.

Cud Time

Realizing more and more that life's not about simple solutions...life's complicated, problems are even more complicated and solutions to overcome them have to be sophisticated, comprehensive and thorough. Such a good solution is so difficult to come up with...it's almost impossible...

The more you know, the more you realize what you don't know...

And the more you know what you don't know, more you realize that you are gonna fail...

I guess, you just don't give up...

It's gonna be one crazy summer...beginning of the end...dreading it!

Research, Luck and Alexander Fleming...

Do you value chance discoveries? Like Alexander Fleming’s discovery of Penicillin in 1928, for which he got Nobel Prize in Physiology/Medicine in 1945? I think the man got plain lucky. With due credit, it is one of the greatest discoveries of all time, and it was definitely because of a certain deductive logic on his part. But you see, it is just partly. For most part, it was an accident. You start your research with some objective in mind, say X, and in the process end up finding Y which turns out to be a compound that revolutionizes research…very well done. That means it is a great discovery…that does not necessarily follow that the discoverer is great. It is important to understand that difference. And that’s why I think it’s important to weigh the enormity of a discovery by how judiciously and methodically it was pursued. Otherwise the whole exercise becomes synonymous to a lottery.

An Ideal Respite

It’s been a hectic week and an ideal respite will be somewhere in the arctic. A dark frozen icy landscape on one side and a gently lapping sea on the other, me skiing for hours and then lying on my back with sheer exhaustion but unimaginable exhilaration, with the multihued arctic light as the wallpaper of my eyes and a woman like Clementine with me. Paradise.

Who am I kidding? Isn’t it the day of the equinox today?

Ever watched someone...

...when they think they are alone? When I happen to do that, truth be told, I enjoy it. No eavesdropping and that is not the intention anyway. Out of earshot and you can rest your conscience in the grandpa chair and relax back and enjoy the view. There is something very genuine and true about those moments. Sounds almost voyeuristic, but to see an unadulterated expression of anger, glum or delight sometimes tells you things about that person that no spoken conversation can ever possibly achieve. Everyone has their minds fortressed in such carefully cultivated façades that however ugly it gets, even a genuinely negative expression will be preferred over dull and fake cheerful shrieks.

10 years since...

1. 12th exams.

2. I started keeping a journal.

3. My first serious girlfriend.

4. My first clean shave.

5. Sigh!

I do not love you...

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

- Pablo Neruda

Translated by Stephen Tapscott

Anything...

...you do for the first time, you yourself should be clear in your mind.

I sincerely hope the experiments work out. I don't wanna hear "we told you so"!

But I'm not desperate. Don't wanna see patterns that don't exist. I rather be laughed at than that.

Rajendra Pachauri

...has lashed out at governments for spending trillions of dollars on the banking crisis while neglecting funding for poverty alleviation and climate change.

"It defies any kind of logic, if you look at the type of money that the world has spent on these bailouts, 2.7 trillion [US] dollars is the estimate, and it's been done so quickly and without questioning," he said. Fifty billion dollars a year was the estimate for tackling the Millenium Development Goals on sckness and poverty, he noted. "But everyone scoffed at it. Nobody did a damn thing."

www.tinyurl.com/9kqwb6

I've Unsubscribed...

...the feed of two blogs I’ve been following diligently for two years or even more for just one reason that the blogs were turning out to be mere exercises in self-praise, and they were not even witty enough like waiterant to sustain my interest. People have their individual styles, but how can every entry be aimed at self-gratification? I guess, to each his own. I am sure there are people who enjoy a narcissistic streak. I don’t. Speaking for myself, I like adulation, but I rather have it from others or not have it at all. I do some self-indulgent stuff on this blog, but I hope it’s few and far between…not so often as to make someone feel like giving up on me. I don’t want my self-absorption to drive people away. I know many people feel a blog is yours and yours only, and you can do whatever you want, but I don’t want to do or behave in a way that I don’t expect from others.
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I have a work presentation on Saturday. I am expecting two reactions…either people will be elated and overjoyed (and jealous?), or they will berate me for the conclusions I’ve drawn. Whichever reaction it is, I hope I don’t get swayed or start biting. I want to be calm, in control, present the data, enjoy it whatever it is that comes my way, and get done with.
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You know that it’s time for a new batch to arrive when kids from Bangalore start coming personally and kids outside Bangalore start sending mails like dear sir, I am student of xyz university and would like to know more about the entrance exam/interviews/faculties/CES/IISc…absolutely crazy! Bonkers! But then I remember me dashing a similar mail before my interviews to my seniors whom I hardly knew and how I worshipped the ones from whom I got a reply. These youngsters look so innocent and naïve. And they worship you. Most of them are intelligent…they are just inexperienced. It’s hard to believe anyone can be so raw. And that’s endearing.

I Always Find...

...the sea surface at the horizon bulging. Everyone else says it's in a straight line. And no, it's not optical illusion that's tricking me. Because if it is, it would trick everyone.

This weekend was awesome!

इथला माझा एक सहयोगी...त्याला या ४ वर्षात मी कधीही आनंदी बघितला नाही...खदखदणारे हास्य सोडा, महाशयांच्या चेहऱ्यावर समाधानाची एक पुसटशी खूणही कधी दिसली नाही. चेहरा सारखा चिंतेत बुडालेला किंवा रागाने पछाडलेला. बहुतांशी रागच. त्याला बोलतं करण्याच्या प्रयत्नात मी कधीच माघार घेतलीय. कारणांचा काही पत्ता लागत नाही. या अपात्री क्रोध-कुण्डाचा प्रकोप कधी कोणावर होईल सांगता येत नाही. सगळे रागाचे आविष्कार छापखान्यातल्या खिळ्यांसारखे नेमी आणि आवर्तनीय. फ़्रॉइड ने तर नक्की याला केस स्टडी म्हणून स्वीकारला असता. म्हणला असता, "श्रीमान एक्स, तुमच्या या वागण्याचे मूळ जरूर तुमच्या बालपणात आहे. यापैकी एक तुमच्याशी जरूर घडली असण्याची शक्यता आहे:

१. तुमच्या आईने तुमच्याशी फार जास्त शारीरिक लगट तरी केली किंवा तुम्हाला प्रेमाच्या एका शब्दाला तरी पारखं केलं. जे काही असेल, तुम्हाला निर्मळ मातृप्रेम कधी मिळालेच नाही,
२. शाळेत सगळे तुमच्याशी तुसडेपणाने वागायचे,
३. रात्री-अपरात्री सगळे झोपले असताना तुमचा कोणी एक काका तुमचा लैंगिक छळ करायचा."

I'm being unnecessarily nasty.

पण जे काही कारण असेल, इतका त्रास, इतका राग बघणे शक्य नव्हते. Thought everyone deserves happiness. त्याच्याशी मैत्री करण्याचा दांडगा पण अयशस्वी प्रयत्न करून झाला. मित्रांकडून त्याला ग्रूप मध्ये समाविष्ट करण्याचे प्रयत्न झाले. त्याच्या ऍडवायजर शी बोलून त्याला कामाच्या नव्या संधी मिळाव्यात असे पण बोलून झाले. पण कशाचाही काहीही फायदा झाला नाही. कदाचित हे सगळे त्याला नको असेल. कदाचित भार वाहण्याची मनाला इतकी सवय झाली आहे, प्रसन्नचित्त, प्रफुल्ल, हलके मन असणे काय असते हे तो विसरला असेल, त्याची सवय नसल्याने ते हलकेपण डोकेदुखी वाटत असेल.

Maybe not everyone wants to be happy. Maybe, sometimes, happiness hurts.

With Honors

With Honors...brilliant...Joe Pesci rocks!