Beginning of Spring...

I haven’t experienced snow or ice on a landscape bigger than our refrigerator, but I’m sure the best times in snow-caped backdrops are immediately before the spring when the ice starts melting and makes you understand that for all the roughness and coldness, there’s an exciting flow below the surface that’s just waiting to be discovered. The white-blue icicles on tree branches slowly awaken and instead of dropping directly below, take a detour to the tip of the branch pointing towards the ground and trickle across the ice-sheet drop-by-drop…this drop-by-drop thawing always reminds me of fingers hitting the piano keys…Don’t know why that reminds me of piano. Funny. Maybe coz the sound of a piano key is similar to a drop hitting water surface. ‘Plock’ goes a piano key too, creating an echoing clunk. The nature would soon start fishing out jewels from its potley, but its this scene of pure, spotless white beauty that appeals to me…like a girl stepping out of shower, sans any make up…strands of wet hair, onto the forehead…and the water droplets slowly trickling down to the ground…

How Green Was My Valley...

The first thing that struck me when I reached the top of the hill was the utterly mesmerizing landscape…and various shades of green splattered across it.

It was a clear day and apart from clouts of white cotton clouds overhead and bluish black hill-ranges on the horizon, everything was green, and different tones and hues of green.

There were grassy savannas yellowish green in colour, covered with partly dried, partly grassy green expanse with white, pink and purple blooms. The hill’s downslope was fully covered in this foliage and at the bottom slowly gave way to the forest. I had never seen such dark, dense forests till then. The trees were intertwined and created a dark green sunscreen for the earth. It started at the bottom of the hill on which I was standing and went to cover the whole of another hill. I would venture inside it some day, I thought. There was a third departure where the landscape slowly graduated to shrubby delights of wild plumage so typical of those transition zones. Slowly these shrubs gave way to cultivated lands, interspersed with electric poles and randomly placed small jhuggis and cement slabs. They were looking out of the place or maybe I was just envious of the people living in this beautiful countryside. The fields were not uniformly spaced or demarcated. Every field was defined by a spate of trees and every field had its own character, some had paddy, some had some other unknown grains, and some were converted to meadowlands, and depending on what was growing in them, they had different greens.

For a person who grew up in a dry, deciduous landscape, a green cacophony like this was like an impossible allegory …my colour receptors were completely flooded with this green chamaleonesque bumper bonanza.

It was out of this world…

I would want my home here…

आदतें भी अजीब होती हैं...

साँस लेना भी कैसी आदत है
जिये जाना भी क्या रवायत है
कोई आहट नही बदन में कहीं
कोई साया नहीं है आंखोंमें
पाँव बेहिस हैं चलते जाते हैं
इक सफ़र है जो बहता रहता है
कितने बरसों से, कितनी सदियों से
साँस लेते हैं, जीते रहते हैं


आदतें भी अजीब होती हैं...

Lovers in the Café

She comes, conquers and announces, “Hello sweetheart, you look tired."

"Not anymore."

"Hmmm...Mere paas bas 15 minutes hain…don’t mind yaar…bossne tight leash pe rakkha hai.”

“Tell him to go to the pearly gates and disappear into the oblivion. Forever. You coloured your hair again?”

“Does it look nice? You didn’t much appreciate the last one.” She takes a chair finally.

“Yes I like this one…green tinge this time. It looks cool…suits your brown hair.”

“It’s burgundy. Anyways, kuchh shayari karo na mere baalon pe!”

"Hmmm..."

"Jaldi bolo...jaana hai."

"Sochane do...haan, listen...

Ikke pe ikka, dukki pe dukki, tikke pe tikka aur satte pe satta…”

“Ok boss, I got the message…it looks awful, no? I thought you would like it.”

“It looks great…you didn’t let me complete. Care to listen to the second line?”

“Nope, keep you shayari for your fans…………………………………………"

"..........."

"Don't sulk, sunaao…”

“dhyaan se suno…Irshaad…

Ikke pe ikka, dukki pe dukki, tikke pe tikka aur satte pe satta,

Ye julfen hain ke ghataon ke sannaton me khila ek ghaas ka patta…”

“hahaha…”

“Hey saw that lightening?”

“Where?”

“Struck my heart just moments ago…tere hansee ka baadal garja, followed by adaaon ki lightening.”

“Haaye…Kya baat hai B’saab, aaj mizaaj bade kaafir hain aapke…maar hi daaloge kya?”

“Maren hamare dushman…bass aur 15 minutes! Don’t go alone, I’ll drop you.”

“Ok…”

“So what’s like ultimately romantic for you?”

“Don’t bother…”

“Common…”

“You have seen that song from Taj Mahal? Hmmmmm…Jo Vaada Kiya…I wish I had a good voice…Remember how that ghastly hero creates a carpet of roses for the equally ghastly heroine to walk on? That’s like ultimately romantic for me, my feet against the velvety touch of the rose petals…”

“You mean Pradeep Kumar and Beena Roy? Hmm...but hey, what if the hidden honey bee gives a good sting on your delicate feet?”

“You unromantic bloke…get lost.”

“Point noted…you will definitely have that pleasure one day…”

“Of you getting lost or me treading on rose petals?”

“You trampling the rose petals…”

“Oh really? When? After our marriage?”

“Darling, jale pe namak nahi hi chhidko to achchha hai.”

“I am sorry re…it’s just that this comes from guilt…I feel responsible somehow…”

“Oye ye guilt wuilt chak…tainu time jyada hai jo inn baataame time waste kardi hai?”

“Punjabi? Noooo…not again…”

“……….”

“……….”

“That bullock has been staring at you for a long time now, since the moment you joined me. Do you know that guy?”

“No…honestly, do you blame him?”

“Yes……I mean, no.”

“What will happen to us after say, a year?”

“What do you mean?”

“You think you will be able to manage what I said before?”

“No…but I am confident you will do a turn-around.”

“I doubt. Why can’t we be just together?”

“Why don’t you marry me?”

“Ok…stop…”

“Ok…”

“But life is so beautiful when we’re together.”

“Beautiful? Sunsets are beautiful…but you, and our love…it’s spectacular…”

“Stop it stud, if you have forgotten, we saw Con Air together!"

".........."

"But honestly, I am afraid to look too far into the future.”

“Ok baby, listen, life’s too weird already without us looking into the future…Don’t you have a sneak peek of the future alone…we’ve got each other and we’ll sort it out somehow.”

“……….”

“What?”

“What what?”

“Why do you smile?”

“Coz I just realized how much I love you…”

Every single time I watch Lead India, I get excited. And much more actually. The leaders on this show come from backgrounds like us. They don't have larger-than-life persona. They have not donned the flamboyant and addictive leadership cap (yet), you can see the happiness on their faces when they complete a down-to-earth task that helps solve the day-to-day problems. And the best part is they are giving hope. To me. To people who have been following it. I have always thought hope is the feeling on which societies are sustained, if not built.

The show has it's glitches and cliche at times (like Ajay Devgan coming on the show...it was obvious that the actor came to promote his own movie which is releasing this weekend)...yet, I would recommend it. It's a welcome change from the usual overtly sappy/happy/crappy and controversial reality shows. Don't miss it. Every Saturday, 8 pm, Star One.

I am still good at science!!! So what if an 8th grade test serves as the evidence? :)

It's fun. Take it and check your score out:

Looking for payday loan?

Two things everyone remembers about me is 1. my height and 2. my nose. There have been people who have actually come up to me and identified me based on my nose’s size. As if I’m a museum specimen...

The first time I got derided about it was in FYJC when a senior year girl came up to me and asked, “So you’re Captain Cook?” I’m sure the smart-ass meant Hook!

I guess it must have shrunk in size during the BSc days and again regrown to original size during MSc. “You’re blocking the view Bang!!!” was the commonest joke in the class…If I’m staring straight, then coz of my length, and if I’m looking sideways, then coz of my nose…

The question I got asked in truth or dare the most number of times was whether I faced any problems while kissing!!! WTF man…

My nose is because I am…Or I’m coz of it?

Some identity crisis…

One more fucked up thing down the drain...I'm going up in the snake-and-ladder game but it's amazing the rate at which I'm losing out on people around me...I have screwed my social life completely for my professional one and I am not sure whether I am doing the right thing...Anyway, it's my decision and I'm going to stick to it. One, coz it's too late to go back now...and two, coz this is very important to me...may be more than anything else...

Starry Starry Night...

Starry, starry night.

Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue,
morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen,
they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

Unchartered territories fascinate me…

I usually have this dream wherein I’m standing on a straight, unwinding road with a spine made of white stripes. I’m alone on that road for as long as I can see. There are no trees, just sparse grass all around this one road that has dissected the terrain. There are no birds. I wish that I could hear something other than my thudding heart. There is no one. The point from where I begin is of particularly no importance. It’s like some random position on that road. I don’t know how I’ve come to be there…

I don’t know where I’m going. I try to figure out about the destination, that where this road heads but the only thing I can see is that the road is getting narrower and narrower and finally becoming a single point where it vanishes into the light blue sky. I suddenly remember the desolate details of Road to Perdition. I understand that goddamn maddening feeling now. It was good for the kid and the father to be alone on the road, but here, the vacuum is killing me. Slowly, a deserted and abandoned feeling starts creeping over. I realize now that solitude has some sense and importance only when you are swarmed with people…

After a while, the feeling starts sinking in. That I’m alone means compleeeete FREEDOM! So what if this is out of compulsion? Freedom out of compulsion? No that’s a dense statement…But, in a way, that makes sense too…In any case, I don’t have to be answerable…and expectations play no role in deciding what I do next. I am dying to start but the commonsense prevails. For something to happen, something to stir somewhere and make itself felt. How can there be nobody? Absolutely no one? Maybe there’s danger lurking round the corner. But what corner? And who to be afraid of? Absolutely nothing around me. Tired of waiting after a while, I start, curious to know where this virgin, forsaken road heads. I walk and walk and walk. For minutes, may be hours. Without water and food. Everything is still, there’s no breeze. Slowly, the expectation of seeing someone dies but the excitement of finding where this road is leading overpowers me.

Range of emotions…

To start with, arrogance…
to come to a place where no one else has been before…
but that’s stupid, coz someone built the road…
anyway, whoever came, couldn’t survive, whereas I did!
Hah! That’s rubbish too! Someone left me here, so that person came and left! By choice!
Okay man, whatever…

Impatience and eagerness to go ahead and scan the rugged, beautiful terrain…I don’t know why the hell I feel that there’s danger lurking beyond what I see…My heart races, I can feel my veins pounding against the skin…But some part of me knows that this is what I want, this is what I've always wanted…

What if Lakshmi, Babu or Arvind come now? lol, that would be amazing…I miss them…especially on a terrain like this!!!

My breath is being burnt croaky with the surrounding heat…Water…Should I stop? What if I die?
And so what if I do?

My mind rebukes my torso in motion again…

I break all the barriers, I control all the seasons…Am I dreaming or did I really gain this much vigour and power? I did for sure…for one, the mind seems exceptionally and bizarrely clear in spite of some clear, loud wake-up calls from some far-off world…

There’s something beyond these 5 senses…I am gonna forget everything…everything that belongs to my past, everything that may belong to my future…this is a totally new context for me… I am gonna abandon all the existing things including my memory…they are all context dependent anyway…everything except love…

Just love…with no grief and no triumphs…just pure unadulterated love…

My world, my fortress slowly crumbles down…But what’s there to protect now? I have dumped all my memories - good, bad - already…I feel free now…Nothing to keep…So, nothing to lose…

Drench-clothed and tired-bodied…but that’s someone else now…coz for all these extinguished exteriors, in resides a clear-eyed, lucid-minded, free-spirited soul…and that’s the real me…

Maybe I am like intoxicated…so be it, why should I even try and come out of it, lemme enjoy it while it lasts…while I last…

In spite of all the stress here, I tend to forget the wonderful academic ambience...Everyday I recognize how much I know, and more importantly how much I don't...Every moment I appreciate the logic and knowledge I've gained here, and every single moment whatever I've gained here is tested against new and emerging problems and paradigms…

The grouse against this kinda life is still there…I have been here like what, 22 onwards, and will be here till I am 27...but then what the heck, who wants an easy, comfortable life on couch anyway? Everyone my age is kinda slogging anyway...Moreover, I say to life, kick me in the butt if that’s gonna teach me something new…what???

I am reading this absolutely fascinating book called 'Life' by Noisome Scuzzy.

What's with the media? The rat-race of finding new and path-breaking stories somehow leads these journos to work their brains overtime and churn senseless fodder. So what if someone suffers coz of your untruthful stories...I hate the way media goes onto this whole make-believe rampage...I hate the way they control our minds.

Last 2 weeks have been like the worst.

I have been trying but just couldn't concentrate on getting some important things done. For several reasons. when would people stop frolicking around and start working? That's not an unreasonable demand during the office hours. I am not a workaholic but I hate to waste time since I realize the 2 years I have would fly away anyway.

There's incessant back stabbing and bitching in a language some of my labmates think I don't understand :)

The Rc nests that I have been trying to transplant showed a great promise but fizzled out as soon as my boss started to show interest. I have also lost part of my data. I hate to think there's a conspiracy. Paranoia is setting in. PhD teaches you more than what you bargained for.

Some people I care about seem to be angry with me for what hasn't been my fault. I don't care. Someone I love inordinately has been battling for life. He's like one of the few connections to my childhood, reminding me about the happy days. It's so fucking frustrating to see him so miserable.

There have been so many instances when I came on the dashboard, even started writing and then left in between coz whatever I was writing would be nothing but a rant. It's nothing better now but now I can plant a smiley after every few paras.

Day hours are a complete waste of time...I plan to turn to my ullu-like schedules again with minimal contact with anyone around. At least one doesn't have to wear this I-don't-give-a-damn expression. Solitude would do me some good. How much more is the question.

Traurigkeit in meinem Leben wegen zu vielen Chocolat...

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."

- Bertrand Russell, Philosopher, Mathematician, Writer, Social reformist, Pacifist and Nobel Laureate (1872-1970)

When you make a mistake in life, you have to face the consequences, brunt or whatever it is. It can go unnoticed, but your conscience (if kicking) would make you feel little contrite anyway. This is about unknowingly done mistakes. Deliberate mistakes…A tougher verdict awaits for them.

But science gets funny and weird sometimes. A mistake is still a mistake. But the hierarchy changes. A deliberate mistake is lot better than a mistake that happens unintentionally. In case of the first one, it’s curiosity that holds the reign, in case of the latter, it’s the ignorance.

It's great to disappear off the radar once in a while.

In science, predictions aren’t drawn from one’s own superior genius. Neither are they dreamt one fine night. That works for religion, not for science. What prediction should come from is logic. However, even logic has its limitations.

Wrong predictions, ideas or theories are in a way permissible because if there is a logical flaw, the idea will be discredited or rejected sooner or later. Rather, many times, people get credit for doing so, and therefore, wrong theories don’t remain in practice forever.

Wrong data however, persists as people can’t deny anything about things that are posed as facts. I will give a simple, fictitious example that comes from my area of study. The theory of why it’s beneficial for wasps to have seven legs rather than six can be logically broken down in a single blow. However, if someone says, they have come across a population of wasps with seven legs, it’s impossible to break that down logically except by simply calling it a fraud.

Don’t think for a second that scientists are holy men practicing apotheosis. Lazy, conscienceless scientists not only generate wrong data willingly, they often push it for publication(s). If they are lucky enough (which is very often the case), it does get published and sometimes labeled as a path-breaking discovery. Once it’s published, there’s absolutely nothing that can be done about it. Absolutely NOTHING! It’s frightening. Not only that. If it were a common and interesting enough topic, people working in the same area would start quoting and referencing that bullshit piece of work as well.

There has to be a course in ethics and principles for every researcher, there should be tough and secure publication rules in place and there should be more stringent reformatories for those who practice this kinda science.

Ibteda

The day I came to I.I.Sc. as a student was one of the happiest days of my life. Little awe, some anticipation but a huge, huge chunk of happiness.

I’d decided what I wanted to do long back at the age of 10 or 11. I hadn’t heard the word ecologist then. I didn’t know something like environmental sciences even existed. But I knew I’ve got to do something related to natural world.

At home, there was never a sense of expectation. To do any particular kind of work…to choose any particular stream as a career. No forcing, either direct or discreet, not even subtle hints. I think at times it’s easier for a child if parents’ wish is put forth. It makes everything so effortless…on a platter. Matters become straightforward and uncomplicated. It’s so much more easier to choose a path that’s laid down in front of you and choose it because you’re told to do so. One doesn’t have to rake one’s brain as to what one would like to do for the rest of one’s life. In any case, I’m thankful that my parents’ wishes were not thrust upon me. I could pursue whatever I wanted to.

We were always encouraged to learn new things. My parents were quite cool about the whole thing…not only about learning regular things like music, sports, painting, but unusual and wacky stuff as well. I remember…my brother in his teens and then I, in my teen years have spent two-three weeks every summer with plumbers, cycle repairers, carpenters, electricians…the list goes on. We learnt skills related to farming, watershed development, roof repairing, so on and so forth. The point is we were exposed to all sorts of dexterities.

May be it is the background all of us come from, may be it is how we’ve grown up…there’s always a sense of inferiority and superiority regarding career choices. For better or for worse. Say you are an engineer or a doc and the respect/appreciation soars…in contrast to that, say you are an electrician or a plumber, it plummets. In any case, I was truly and completely besotted with biology, in particular nature. I was meant to do that…

I saw my dad dabble in agricultural research, my mom in education and science outreach and my grandparents in voluntary social work. Largely inspired by them, I wanted something that would be a blend of all these. I can’t pinpoint that one profound moment when it dawned upon me. Actually, there may not have been any such moment. I guess it gradually developed. The love for ecology was of an unspoken kind. Like two lovers, who haven’t committed anything through spoken words, but are devoted to each other through undying, stanch but silent commitment.

Though it was never meant to be an escape strategy, all the efforts (or the lack of them) to become an ecologist saved me so much trouble. Everything was so trouble-free. Firstly, I didn’t have to have meritorious marks in 10^th/12^th. I could devote more time to people and situations that needed me during those times rather than running between tuitions and hassling myself unnecessarily. Then I did B.Sc. in Chemistry, Botany and Zoology. Anyone who has gone through that would understand what an easy cake-walk it is. No fancy and competitive subjects like Microbiology and Biochemistry for me. Then came M.Sc. I wanted to study ecology but ended up doing the master’s in Life Sciences. One of the best decisions of my life. One good consequence of that was I stopped hating and ridiculing molecular and cellular biology and allied subjects. I realized love for another discipline was growing in my heart. I would have never realized it otherwise. Biochemistry!!! But ecology it was in the end…Hands down! BC lured me for a while but like a faithful lover, I came back to my ultimate love.

I have a long way to go still, but I’ve settled down a bit in my career. I’d certain issues with my work when it was offered to me and when I started working on it initially. Issues regarding applicability to the society. You see, our group works on social insects…wasps, ants and bees. How unfashionable, not in vogue. More importantly, how uninteresting! Or was it really? Slowly, it started making sense. The new, interesting facets of the subject unraveled. I started enjoying my work. Not only that, being a part of this department, being a part of I.I.Sc. gave me a kind of credibility and a platform…people listen to me seriously now. Not only that, they want to hear what I have to say. And I suppose, that’s half the battle won.

How I wish mom had been here to see me graduate in few years (yeah, it’s still plural!).

It feels so great to be part of such a heritage. Not only that. All the ambitions harboured since childhood coming true! The goal my heart had instinctively, little childishly and somewhat absurdly nursed, the aspiration for which all these 17 years of education was savoured (!!!), and the dream for which all the criticism and brickbats that were taken in stride from all the unreasonably intrusive nosey parkers…that dream has came true.

These are new times, new seasons in my life. I have seen such a tremendous growth in myself in last 2 years, a little for worse, mostly for better! This is a new world, full of new dreams.

It’s ridiculous and somewhat hilarious but everytime I pass the main building of I.I.Sc., I am reminded of all those scientists who were products of this institute and did excellently well for themselves and for the country. In spite of myself, a feeling of reverence creeps in, and I still can’t believe I have come here…that I’ve been part of this place for quite some time…it all seems dreamlike and a bit too fantastic.

What a journey it has been…Wardha, Pondicherry, Bangalore…who knows what’s in store next! What do I want to do next? Hmm…There’s some time for that now and that would make for an entirely new entry in this e-journal. Whatever it is, hopefully, it’ll be as good as it’s been so far.