One more fucked up thing down the drain...I'm going up in the snake-and-ladder game but it's amazing the rate at which I'm losing out on people around me...I have screwed my social life completely for my professional one and I am not sure whether I am doing the right thing...Anyway, it's my decision and I'm going to stick to it. One, coz it's too late to go back now...and two, coz this is very important to me...may be more than anything else...

Starry Starry Night...

Starry, starry night.

Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue,
morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen,
they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

Unchartered territories fascinate me…

I usually have this dream wherein I’m standing on a straight, unwinding road with a spine made of white stripes. I’m alone on that road for as long as I can see. There are no trees, just sparse grass all around this one road that has dissected the terrain. There are no birds. I wish that I could hear something other than my thudding heart. There is no one. The point from where I begin is of particularly no importance. It’s like some random position on that road. I don’t know how I’ve come to be there…

I don’t know where I’m going. I try to figure out about the destination, that where this road heads but the only thing I can see is that the road is getting narrower and narrower and finally becoming a single point where it vanishes into the light blue sky. I suddenly remember the desolate details of Road to Perdition. I understand that goddamn maddening feeling now. It was good for the kid and the father to be alone on the road, but here, the vacuum is killing me. Slowly, a deserted and abandoned feeling starts creeping over. I realize now that solitude has some sense and importance only when you are swarmed with people…

After a while, the feeling starts sinking in. That I’m alone means compleeeete FREEDOM! So what if this is out of compulsion? Freedom out of compulsion? No that’s a dense statement…But, in a way, that makes sense too…In any case, I don’t have to be answerable…and expectations play no role in deciding what I do next. I am dying to start but the commonsense prevails. For something to happen, something to stir somewhere and make itself felt. How can there be nobody? Absolutely no one? Maybe there’s danger lurking round the corner. But what corner? And who to be afraid of? Absolutely nothing around me. Tired of waiting after a while, I start, curious to know where this virgin, forsaken road heads. I walk and walk and walk. For minutes, may be hours. Without water and food. Everything is still, there’s no breeze. Slowly, the expectation of seeing someone dies but the excitement of finding where this road is leading overpowers me.

Range of emotions…

To start with, arrogance…
to come to a place where no one else has been before…
but that’s stupid, coz someone built the road…
anyway, whoever came, couldn’t survive, whereas I did!
Hah! That’s rubbish too! Someone left me here, so that person came and left! By choice!
Okay man, whatever…

Impatience and eagerness to go ahead and scan the rugged, beautiful terrain…I don’t know why the hell I feel that there’s danger lurking beyond what I see…My heart races, I can feel my veins pounding against the skin…But some part of me knows that this is what I want, this is what I've always wanted…

What if Lakshmi, Babu or Arvind come now? lol, that would be amazing…I miss them…especially on a terrain like this!!!

My breath is being burnt croaky with the surrounding heat…Water…Should I stop? What if I die?
And so what if I do?

My mind rebukes my torso in motion again…

I break all the barriers, I control all the seasons…Am I dreaming or did I really gain this much vigour and power? I did for sure…for one, the mind seems exceptionally and bizarrely clear in spite of some clear, loud wake-up calls from some far-off world…

There’s something beyond these 5 senses…I am gonna forget everything…everything that belongs to my past, everything that may belong to my future…this is a totally new context for me… I am gonna abandon all the existing things including my memory…they are all context dependent anyway…everything except love…

Just love…with no grief and no triumphs…just pure unadulterated love…

My world, my fortress slowly crumbles down…But what’s there to protect now? I have dumped all my memories - good, bad - already…I feel free now…Nothing to keep…So, nothing to lose…

Drench-clothed and tired-bodied…but that’s someone else now…coz for all these extinguished exteriors, in resides a clear-eyed, lucid-minded, free-spirited soul…and that’s the real me…

Maybe I am like intoxicated…so be it, why should I even try and come out of it, lemme enjoy it while it lasts…while I last…