Sunday, July 14, 2013

How does one save one's children from the big bad world? You can empower them and then release them, like seeds bobbing in gusty wind. You can not hold them back, but you don't want to let go either. You can never know what is gonna happen to them and how they will turn up. But you can't keep protecting them too. I just want to empower my kids to stay happy and positive whatever the extrinsic situation be, and not just keep it to themselves, but take out some time from oneself and make a difference in others' lives too. A streak of sensitivity is a must, especially when more and more people around you won't be. I guess the most difficult part will be to teach them how to be balanced and open. My mind goes back to what my parents did. I know it sounds like a self-compliment, but I guess Aks and I turned out to be quite okay. And if I could manage at least that much, I would pass. Sometimes I think I will make a good father when my kids are younger, but will be ghoulish when they will enter teens. That'll be the problem of being born to a control freak.

Am so much more sympathetic of my parents now than I was in my 20s. I understand more and more the challenges of parenting. You want to do enough, but just enough. Man, it's difficult.
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My stay in paris is equivalent to a terminally ill patient who has eaxctly 365 days. He is sad, but anything but complacent and every fucking second counts for him. I am glad for this feeling without actually having to die coz it makes me hungry for newer things all the time. No day is like any other. Yeah, I am tired much of the time and sleep a lot in my spare time, but I think boredom can be the worst thing that can happen to life - it's worse than tiredness.

I thank whatever it is that brings me to experience such amazing places and people. Every time I think it can't get better, it does. I seriously don't know where does one go though, from Paris. The saturation point will come some day when new experiences will stop moving me coz I have been to enough number of unique places and the tiredness will come when I will not want to meet new people, and that will be a depressing day.
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When you yearn for something very strongly, there's a tinge of sadness associated with the achievement of finally making that thing happen. One of the most unattainable things for me in life was watching a Grand Slam, prefereably the Roland Garros. I did that this summer. To top it, I watched Martina Hingis play. While I am still not over that excitement, in a very very small way, I am feeling complacent. I don't like that feeling. I think I have a clue why that might be happening. Though it was never listed, once I experienced it, it became a strike in my to-do-list. I need to forget about the strike and just remember the experience. But there's another thing. The joy of first time is always different from the subsequent ones. The first analogy that jumps to mind is that of the first kiss. While the feelings about the person you are with now might be the same or even more fervent, there's something about the first one that is always special.

Maybe rightfully so. If one keeps obsessing about a single thing throughout one's life, how does one focus on other experiences? Feeling a little satiated about tennis makes space in my heart for some other joys I would like to pursue. So after all, it's not such a bad thing.
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My natural state of mind is not positive but of perpetual questioning. Fortunately, I have a tendency to gravitate towards more positive outcomes and thoughts rather than the negative ones. If I face a problem, I wouldn't say, 'forget it yaar, be positive, everything happens for a reason.' I will try to fathom out those reasons in excruciating details. But rest assured, those answers are almost always going to be positive. The secret is that I know where I want to go, so all this reasoning and logic of answering questions and arriving at answers is a big farce. It's like working a problem backwards. So, though I am not a very positive person naturally, I seek positivity, and hence arrive at that. On one hand, I know that I am deceiving myself, on the other I let myself do that coz I feel more empowered, coz the reasoning is not half bad, and coz it allows me to keep my logical swords sharpened.


4 comments:

rathchakra said...

"So, though I am not a very positive person naturally, I seek positivity, and hence arrive at that."

Just be me, but this statement is mighty confusing. To me someone who seeks positivity by default is a positive person. What else is the definition of positive? You can't seek positivity without believing in it and that makes one a "+ve person" - ionic charges and all.

A said...

True. What I meant is there are people who always see the positive side of everything. That's their default reaction. Mine is more real :P which is not always positive.

rathchakra said...

aah...they aren't positive..they are like me ;)

A said...

Sure :D